


Stifled

by uncleanobscene



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Anal Sex, First Time, M/M, Oral Sex, Riding, Unrequited Love, sex with one-sided feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:55:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25680919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uncleanobscene/pseuds/uncleanobscene
Summary: “That’s your problem, Jamie.” Matthew placed a hand on James’s cheek. “You’re all pent up.”---James is a little worried about Matthew. Matthew's pretty sure he can take his mind off that.
Relationships: Matthew Fairchild/James Herondale
Comments: 17
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dipping my toes onto this site after looking for years because I need somewhere to post my smut. Wrote this a couple months ago directly after finishing Chain of Gold, because I'm a little obsessed with the thought of Matthew having some unrequited feelings for James. There's very little regard for the timeline this, but it probably takes place some time before Chain of Gold. Might add more to this later, or at least write more with this dynamic, because I had a very good time with it. Hope you enjoy!

As they both entered their room above the Devil’s Tavern, tired and sore from walking all over London, Matthew got the distinct sense that James was upset with him. He sighed, staring at the bookshelf while James shut the door behind them. He was a little drunk still; James had runed him while they were patrolling and that had sobered him up, mostly, but he could still feel the buzz of alcohol in his veins.

James was silent. Matthew wasn’t sure why. He’d thought that patrol had gone rather well, and he’d enjoyed spending time with his parabatai without Thomas or Christopher around. Of course, the reason he’d wanted to be alone with James was a bit more selfish than strengthening their brotherly bond.

After a moment of standing in silence with his back toward James, Matthew sucked in a breath and spoke.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, not yet turning around.

“I should ask _you_ that.” James’ tone was curt, strained. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You were drunk, Matthew,” James said. “Even more than usual. While we were patrolling.” 

“So?” Matthew said. “There weren’t any demons.” 

“But what if there were? Thomas and Christopher weren’t with us, and…” James trailed off, his voice shaking. “Matthew, if something happened to you, I don’t know what I’d do.” 

At that, Matthew finally turned around to look at James. His golden eyes were wide and earnest. Matthew’s heart twisted in his chest. 

“Look,” He said. “That didn’t happen. And if you’re so worried, next time we can make sure we all patrol together…”  
“Or you could not patrol _drunk,”_ James spat, his brow furrowing. 

“I can handle my liquor,” Matthew said.

“That’s not the point. You need to stop drinking all the time, it’s going to get you in real trouble someday.”

“It’s not your business.” Matthew could feel himself getting a little angry as well. James had no idea what he needed. Nobody did.

“Of course it is! We’re parabatai! I–” James took a step back, seeming to realize he was shouting. He placed a hand over his face for a moment, sighining, and then continued. “Math, I know something’s wrong. You know you can tell me anything. If you’re going through something, it’s my job to help you, I can’t do that if you won’t tell me.”

Matthew stilled for a moment. “You want to help me?”  
“Yes.”

Before Matthew could give it a second thought, he grabbed James by the collar of his shirt and kissed him as hard as he could. He couldn’t quite believe it when James kissed him back, his hands digging into the back of Matthew’s waistcoat. Matthew broke away quickly. His heart was hammering, but he tried not to let his racing emotions show on his face. James looked stunned, but he was still holding onto Matthew.

“Are you still upset with me?” Matthew asked, smirking. 

In answer, James pulled Matthew closer and kissed him again. He was forceful, hungry, and quickly Matthew found himself pinned against the wall, James pressed tight against him. He put a hand to the back of James’s head, curling his fingers into James’s crow-black hair like he’d wanted to do for so long. Matthew felt dazed–was this really happening? Was he dreaming? Had he hit his head? Surely James couldn’t actually be kissing _him_.

It certainly felt real when James rutted his hips against Matthew’s. Matthew gasped into James’s mouth, a wave of satisfaction rising in him as he realized that James was hard. Matthew chuckled and drew back.

“That’s your problem, Jamie.” He placed a hand on James’s cheek. “You’re all pent up.” 

“What?” James breathed. His skin was flushed, his pupils wide. Matthew smiled his sultriest smile. He wasn’t sure he wanted to play that part with James, the lighthearted, seductive flirt he was with all the boys and girls that didn’t actually mean anything, but he didn’t know how else to act. 

“That’s why you’re so worried,” He purred. “You need some relief.” He moved a hand down to James’s hip, brushing his thumb against the patch of bare skin between his shirt and his trousers. “When was the last time you got off?” 

James sucked in a breath through his teeth. “Matthew–” 

“I’m not saying we do anything you don’t want to,” Matthew said. “But you were just saying that parabatai are supposed to help each other out...and maybe you want some help with this?” 

“I…” James paused for a moment, seeming to consider it. Matthew tried not to show how nervous he was. He wasn’t sure he could handle being rebuffed after knowing how James’s lips felt against his. “I wouldn’t know what to do…”

“That’s alright,” Matthew said. “I’m an excellent teacher.” 

James smiled at that. “Alright, then.” 

Unable to hold back any further, Matthew pulled James closer, kissing at his neck and moving his hand across James’s body to stroke his cock through his trousers. James moaned just at that light touch, and Matthew felt want spread through his whole body. He guided James over to the shabby bed and pushed him down onto it before stepping back. 

“Take off your clothes,” he said, voice low. He started to strip off his own waistcoat, cursing himself. His clothes were his pride and joy, but they were damn inconvenient when you needed to get out of them as fast as possible. 

James was able to get undressed much faster than Matthew, something that somehow made Matthew self conscious, even as he looked James up and down. There were things that were familiar; the muscles of his arms, the curve of his neck, the parabatai rune on his chest–and things that weren’t. Matthew swallowed at the sight of James’s erection and James, seeming to realize where Matthew’s eyes were fixed, looked away, face flushing. 

Matthew remembered how it’d been the first time he’d had sex, a drunken liason with an admittedly handsome werewolf in the back of the Hell Ruelle. The vulnerability, the anxious anticipation mixed with overwhelming want. He was glad to be James’s first, wanted to make it as good and comfortable for James as he possibly could. He finally managed to strip off the last of his clothes and crawled onto the bed and over James, kissing him in a manner he hoped was reassuring. 

“Um…” James said. “...I...what do we do?” 

“Relax, Jamie.” Matthew leaned forward and kissed his neck. He felt almost drunk on the feeling of his bare skin against James’s. God, they’d barely even done anything yet. Matthew was legitimately worried he’d last less than a minute. Pushing those thoughts out of his mind, he kissed James lower and lower, until he reached his cock. 

James only made one short gasp when Matthew took his cock into his mouth, and when Matthew glanced back up, he saw that James had clapped a hand over his own mouth. Probably smart–they were above a tavern. But Matthew had wanted to hear every sound he made. He tried to push down his disappointment. He was lucky to be doing this at all.

As he worked James’s cock, he reached one of his hands back to try and prep himself, not wanting to explain how to do that to James. He hurried a little too much; it seemed to him like any moment his friend might change his mind. He dipped his head lower and felt James start to shake a little, a muffled moan coming out from under his hand.

When Matthew thought he’d done enough, he pulled back, and then realized he hadn’t even bothered to ask if James wanted more than to be sucked off. He took a breath. 

“James,” He said. “James, do you want to fuck me?” 

“Hm?” James looked blearly up at him. He was breathing so hard. Matthew hadn’t thought it possible to want someone this much.

“I can...keep going with just my mouth, if you’d like. But…” He gripped onto the bed sheets, nervous. “...I want you inside me.” 

James’s breath hitched when Matthew said that, and he bit down on his lip. 

“Yes,” James breathed. 

Matthew climbed back up over James’s body, aligning their hips. He steadied himself with his hands on James’s chest as he slowly sank down onto James’s cock. While he paused to adjust to it, he glanced down at James, and noticed an expression of concern on his parabatai’s face.

“I’m hurting you,” James said quietly.

Matthew was so used to the occasional pain that came with taking a cock that for a moment, he didn’t realize that was what James meant. He thought of James pining after Grace, ignoring everything else whenever she came up. The mask he put on, how that tore at Matthew’s heart. But quickly he came to his senses. Parabatai could sense each other’s physical pain, and of course James would care. 

“It’s alright, Jamie.” He put a hand on James’s cheek and smiled down at him. “I’m fine.” 

James didn’t say anything in reply, just turned his head and kissed Matthew’s wrist, right where his parabatai rune was. The gesture was too sweet, too much like what Matthew really wanted with James, too much a reminder of what he could never have–Matthew started moving immediately, wanting to distract himself.

James let out a long, low moan and the sound sent a bolt of arousal straight to Matthew’s cock. Already the pain was fading entirely, pleasure taking its place and flooding through him each time he sank down. He wanted to speed up, take James’s cock harder and faster, but he knew it would be over too quickly then. He needed to savor this. 

“Fuck,” James hissed out through his teeth, soft enough that Matthew could barely hear it. It was so strange to hear James swear that Matthew almost gasped. Instead, he smirked to himself as he finally picked up his pace. 

It was a fight to keep quiet. Matthew knew they had to keep it down, they couldn’t make noise–everybody knew who had the room up here, and gossip spread quickly through Downworld. Matthew wanted more than anything to let himself moan, make sure James knew how good he was making him feel. And he wanted to hear James’s voice too, wanted James to say his name. But he couldn’t ask. 

James suddenly thrust up into Matthew, his fingers digging into Matthew’s hip. Matthew couldn’t hold his voice back, overwhelmed by the unexpected surge of pleasure. James’s cock seemed angled to hit exactly the right place.

“K-keep doing that,” Matthew managed to stammer out in between moans. “Ah–James–James–” He clasped a hand over his own mouth, the only way he could stop himself from making any more sound as James thrusts grew harsher and harsher. He tried to keep his pace, slam down onto James just as hard as James was fucking him, but he quickly felt himself lose control. 

“Matthew,” James said in a shuddering breath, and it was enough to send him over the edge. 

When he came, it cut through him like a knife, knocking all the breath out of him in a surge of sensation. He grit his teeth hard to keep himself from screaming out, his eyes clenched shut as he shook. He fought for breath as he came down from his peak, feeling utterly spent. Matthew finally opened his eyes again to see James gazing at him with such intensity that he felt stripped down his soul. 

It was only a few more moments before James started to shudder underneath Matthew, his hand on Matthew’s hip gripping so hard it almost hurt as he spilled inside of Matthew. He groaned once, quietly, clearly fighting to hold his voice back as well. After a moment he stilled and brought a hand to his face, panting. 

Matthew remained in place for a moment before rolling off of James, flopping down onto the bed beside him. He longed to pull Matthew close and kiss him, like they really were lovers, but that would be giving too much away. Instead, when James turned to look at him, he smiled at him.

“Feel any better?” He said. 

“I think so,” James said. “Th-thank you.” 

“Any time.” Matthew tried to inject as much sultriness as he possibly could into his voice. He shifted around, and realized he’d James had finished inside of him, something that he’d never let happen before with other men. They’d always pulled out, but it hadn’t occurred to him to tell James to do that. He found he didn’t especially mind. “Do you think Thomas and Christopher will be around here tomorrow morning? I’d rather like to just pass out now, but…” 

“They went to work in the lab. I suspect they’ll be occupied until at least noon tomorrow.” 

“Good,” Matthew said, and rolled onto his back. He closed his eyes and was about to try and fall asleep when James spoke up. 

“...was it alright for you?” James asked. “I know I’m not very…”

“It was perfect, Jamie,” Matthew replied, hearing the tremble in his own voice and cursing himself for it. “Don’t worry.” 

James didn’t reply, and Matthew worried that he’d said something wrong, before he looked over and saw his parabatai sound asleep. When he was sure James really was out, Matthew let himself move closer to him and rest his head on James’s shoulder. It wasn’t enough, it wasn’t nearly enough, but Matthew knew it was all he was going to get.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so, I originally wrote the first chapter as a standalone...but then I got more ideas. So I wrote another chapter! I have no idea exactly how long this will be or when the chapter after this will be finished but, I have some idea of how the general arc of the story will go. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Matthew truly would have thought he’d dreamed it, were it not for how much cleaning up they had to do the next morning. They’d thankfully had a lot of time to get things in order before Christopher and Thomas came back to the little room above the tavern, and when their friends arrived, James slipped into normal conversation lightly and easily. Like nothing had happened at all.

And it was the same the next day, and the next, and the day after that, until two weeks had passed without either of them saying a word about that night. 

If it bothered James, he didn’t show it. And in fairness, Matthew didn’t either, even though he thought about it at all hours, turning it over in his mind. Had it been a mistake? Had he taken advantage of his  _ parabatai _ ? The fact that James wasn’t treating him differently in the slightest only made it worse, somehow.

Matthew came home late one evening, hours after sundown, already sobered up, unfortunately. He’d truly been hoping that everyone else in the house had already gone to bed, but of course, when he turned the key and walked in, there was his older brother. Charles glared daggers at him.

“Well,” He said. “ _ There  _ you are.” 

“Yes, I know,” Matthew said. “It’s always an historic event when I walk into the room.” He tried to walk past Charles, but Charles wasn’t having any of it. 

“Do you have any idea how you behaving like this affects my reputation?” Charles moved to stand in front of Matthew. Matthew just wanted to lie down and overthink things with James again. Clearly, this was not going to be an option.

“What, the Inquisitor's daughter is going to end your long engagement just because your little brother gets drunk sometimes?” 

Charles shook his head. “Don’t you care about how people see our family? How people see you?” 

“Not particularly.” Matthew tried to push past his brother, but Charles stopped him. 

“If basic respectability doesn’t motivate you to clean your act up,” Charles said, deliberately, every word honed as sharp as a knife. “Mother and father are worried sick about you all the time.” 

Matthew’s stomach dropped. He couldn’t think about his parents, not right now. He couldn’t stand that guilt. He backed away from Charles.

“Right,” He said. “Then you can tell them I’m spending the night at the Institute with James. That should keep them from worrying.”

“Matthew–”

“Good night, Charles.” Matthew turned toward the door. “I think you should try and get some sleep.” 

Walking back out into the cool London night felt like being welcomed by an old friend. Matthew knew the way to the Institute better than he knew his own name. 

...

“It’s no problem at all,” James said. “You can stay for breakfast tomorrow.” 

Matthew knew it wouldn’t be. James’s parents never asked questions about why Matthew was there. They’d always treated him like he belonged, like he was one of their own. He felt another twinge of guilt and fought to push it away. God, he wished he was drunk right now. He slumped against the wall of James’s room, staring at the floor.

“You don’t have to talk about whatever it is that’s bothering you,” James said. “But…” 

Matthew shook his head. “I’m not really in the mood to talk, Jamie.”

“Is there something else you might be in the mood for?”  
Matthew’s head snapped up at that, immediately locking his gaze with James, who was on the other side of the room. He looked sheepish. Like he was shocked those words had come out of his mouth.

“Are you implying…?” Matthew trailed off. He didn’t want to presume James wanted something to happen between them again. He hadn’t mentioned in two weeks, which surely wasn’t a good sign. But there James was, looking at him again with those earnest golden eyes.

Not for long, though. He averted his gaze, cheeks flushing. “I’ve just...been thinking about it, I suppose. I’ve been wondering, if I offered…”

“I wouldn’t say no,” Matthew said. “But it’s been two weeks. I’ve been worried that I...overstepped, that night. That you didn’t really want that. That I hurt you.” 

“I wanted to say something.” James rubbed the back of his head. “But we’re almost never alone.”

“Well.” Matthew let himself smile. “We’re alone now.” 

To Matthew’s surprise, James was the one who closed the distance between them, walking over to Matthew with a subtle confidence. He kissed Matthew, slow and brief, and as much as Matthew wanted to match his tempo, he couldn’t help but pull James into another, deeper kiss. Two weeks of pretending that just one night with James had been enough, that he could spend the rest of his life never touching James again, had left him more desperate than he realized. He felt certain now that he couldn’t go without the feeling of James’s body against his again; he needed it as much as he needed water. 

Eventually, James broke the kiss. They were both panting. James’s eyes were luminous in the faint rays of moonlight coming through the curtains. Matthew was about to lean forward and kiss him again when James spoke.

“You were worried I didn’t want it…” His voice was hardly more than a whisper. “But I do. I want you.”  
“Jamie…” 

“Let me do something for you tonight,” James said. 

“You don’t have to–” Matthew started, and then stopped. “What do you mean by that, anyway?” 

James had kept himself relatively composed, but that immediately dropped. He blushed bright red and stuttered out a reply. “I–I mean, when we–earlier–before–you did that thing with your mouth, you know, and I maybe could…” 

Before Matthew had to watch his  _ parabatai  _ attempt to explain cocksucking any further, he put a hand on James’s chest. “I understand. But you know, you don’t have to.” 

“Yes, but I want to.” James sounded almost indignant. “And besides, there’s clearly something bothering you right now, and you...helped me...last time…” 

For a moment, Matthew had forgotten that this was what this was about, that James was just doing this to slake his desire, not because he loved Matthew in that way. But Matthew couldn’t even be mad at James for reminding him of that. After all, Matthew had propositioned him under that pretense. There was no way for him to know how Matthew truly felt about him.

“I wouldn’t say no to that,” Matthew said.

James’s face broke into an unsure grin. “I’ve...never done it before, obviously, so–”

“That’s fine. I don’t mind teaching.” Matthew placed a hand on the back of James’s head, absentmindedly combing through his hair. “Especially not when it’s you.” 

James dropped to his knees in front of Matthew, and started to undo the buttons of Matthew’s trousers with shaking fingers. Despite the clumsiness, seeing James kneeling in front of him left Matthew almost too aroused to think. James didn’t even need to touch him to get him hard, a fact which might have left Matthew feeling a little ashamed had he been with any other partner. 

Matthew sucked in a short breath as James began to touch his cock. It was more exploratory than anything else, but it was _James_ , who he felt a great deal more for than anybody else he’d been with. Who, also, looked more than a little daunted at the size of Matthew’s cock.

“Don’t worry about taking the whole thing, Jamie,” Matthew said. “Like you said, you haven’t done this before.”

“So you’re not expecting too much of me?” 

“Not in a bad way, just–” Matthew’s sentence cut off when James finally put his mouth on Matthew’s cock. A clumsy motion, certainly, but it was far from unpleasant. And the sight of James’s mouth around his cock was...well, intoxicating. 

Although, James didn’t seem to have much of an idea what to do now that he was here. 

“Uh, you want to bob around the head,” Matthew stammered out, feeling vaguely awkward. “F-focus on the underside with your tongue…” 

He trailed off as James began to take that advice to heart. James’s inexperience was obvious, but Matthew found didn’t particularly care. Besides, James learned quickly, using a hand to pump the parts of Matthew’s cock he couldn’t fit in his mouth without Matthew even suggesting it. As James’s confidence seemed to grow, Matthew fought back a moan. God, he wanted to be with James somewhere where they wouldn’t have to quiet. 

Matthew was beginning to relax, to let himself get lost in feeling, when James lurched forward and tried to take Matthew’s whole cock–Matthew felt James’s throat spasm as he gagged, and then James pulled back, coughing and spluttering. 

“Are you alright?” Matthew asked, concern cutting through his arousal. “Jamie, I told you, you don’t have to take the whole thing.”

“I’m fine,” James said. His voice was rough. “If I can fight demons, I can please you properly.” 

“Those,” Matthew said. “Are not the same thing. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. ” 

James’s eyes lit up in that way they did when he was faced with a challenge, and Matthew knew with certainty that his  _ parabatai  _ was going to take a cock down his throat tonight or die trying. 

Without saying another word, James went back to work, moving more quickly this time, trying harder. That, James’s clear desperation to please him, more than anything, was what made Matthew have to bite down on his lip. He brought his hand to the back of James’s head, fighting to keep himself from grabbing a handful of black hair, fighting the urge to buck his hips forward. Even if James said it was fine, Matthew couldn’t risk hurting him. He just couldn’t. 

Matthew was already on the verge of coming undone when James moved his head forward again, only a little more slowly this time, and took Matthew’s cock into this throat. Still with difficulty, with discomfort, but he held it there for a moment, and the wet heat of James’s mouth was too much. 

“James–pull back, pull back–I’m going to–” Matthew managed to get out. James did, and it was that slide that sent Matthew over the edge. Keeping silent as he spilled in James’s mouth was one of the harder things Matthew had ever done, but he managed.

An eternity later, Matthew came down. He removed his hand from James’s hair and leaned back against the wall, gasping. When he looked down at James, he felt a pang of guilt for how much he liked the sight of James with all of  _ that  _ on his face. 

“Let’s…” Matthew said. “Let’s find something to clean that up with it.” He reached down to help James up.

“Was that good?” James took Matthew’s hand. 

“Of course,” Matthew said. “You’re a natural.” 

James flushed at that, and Matthew could have laughed. 

After they’d gotten cleaned up and settled on where to sleep, what had happened again felt like a dream. Matthew thought for a while. It would be easy to let it pass; maybe it would be enough this time. But he knew it wouldn’t be. Nothing James was capable of giving him could ever satisfy him, and yet Matthew was still greedy.

“Is this...going to be a regular occurrence now, James?” He asked in the darkness. There was a brief quiet, and Matthew worried James was asleep. 

“Maybe it shouldn’t be,” James replied. His voice was the only sound in the world. “Maybe it’s a terrible idea. But...if you don’t want to stop, I don’t want to stop.” 

“I don’t want to stop.” Matthew knew he should say something else, should tell James he loves him. Shouldn’t lie to him like this. 

“That’s settled, then.” James said. “We should sleep. It’s very late.”

Matthew closed his eyes, but it was nearing dawn by the time sleep finally took him.

  
  



End file.
